April 28, 2004 - 6:13 PM

he jumped in my car before i knew what was happening.

he had a knife and he made me drive

and drive

and perhaps it was only 5 minutes, but it felt like all my life

i remember he was sweating and the intensity coming off of him hurt me already.

on my insides.

but i listened and I obeyed and i tried to think of a back up plan but nothing came to mind.

instead, i went on autopilot.

"okay"

"okay"

"okay"

in a calming voice.

like a mother's.

When we got there, wherever it was, i closed my eyes for a long long time.

but that was also just a minute.

because it was then that he made me crack the windows and turn off the engine.

He told me to put my seat all the way back

and i thought, oh no, here we go.

he kept fiddling with the knife like it was a dick on fire.

not keeping it still. back and forth, hand to hand.

i almost told him to be careful, he might cut himself, but then I remembered I didn't know this man and he smelled unlike anyone currently in my world. He smelled of fear and strength and raw life and water stained once white walls. It was all over me.

he made no move toward me. just kept staring. right in my eyes. he didn't blink.

then he looked down like he was changing his mind about something. he shook his head really fast then he laughed...looking upwards, shaking it and saying, "fuckit".

then, he took a deep breath.

and it all came out.

a life's worth.

dumped on me like a river. a dirty, infected river filled with 21 years of pain and hurt, dissapointment and brown shit.

he talked about things i never wanted to hear or beleive was ever real in a kid's life.

he went on. staring forward. never at me. sometimes he laughed. but mostly he cried. not the kind of crying with sound, but the quiet kind where the tears just keep pouring down....making those shiny snail trails.

The dark spots on the tshirt he was wearing grew bigger and bigger until it was mostly a dark color and not the lighter shade it originally was.

he never wiped his eyes.

the knife stopped moving so much.

his eyes started to close, but his mouth kept on going.

and I kept on listening.

his smell got quieter. or maybe i had just gotten used to it.

the sun was going down now.

and i just listened.

and when he got quiet, I just sat. Waiting.

after a while he turned and looked at me, but not before taking a deep breath. he looked at me from underneath his eyelids,coming up from below my face. he was cautious or careful or a little ashamed.

he might've been all of them.

and when his eyes met mine. i saw what he was before all of it. like he had emptied it all out and it just left his beginning....the clean slate.

and he saw that I saw.

and his tears came again.

he leaned in and i leaned in and the embrace came naturally, like it was supposed to happen. like it wasn't unusual, this

situation, in a car, hostage, by some stranger with a knife.

it was just two people. one helping another without even trying. the other, needing it so much he had to take it.

we stayed like that for a while. i rubbed his back. softly. i didn't hate him anymore. i wasn't scared anymore. i knew what this was about. and i bought in. this was the part i was to play and i wanted to play it.

a while later, he just said, "let's go."

and we did.

I drove back to where he took me and he got out, pausing a second before he took himself out of the car to just look at me

and it said everything.

I nodded and tilted my head a little to the side.

he nodded back then got out.

the door shut and i watched him walk away.

knowing that it was a good thing that just happened.

and in my head i wished him well.

then i drove home.

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