June 01, 2004 - 3:33 PM

I think they need to take my Vegas card away.

I’ve been here 24 hours and haven’t been in a casino, gambled one cent, stayed up past 9:30 or gotten drunk.

(Well, I did get a nice buzz off of some crap ass coors light, but that wasn’t even my choice as coors light is just man piss mixed with water and never in a million dog years would I have chose to drink it but beggahs cant be choosahs and I ended up drinking about 4 of them and the only reason the watered down man piss made me buzzed was because I hadn’t eaten all day. Did I mention Coors Light tastes like watery man piss?)

So Vegas, I’d understand right now if you want to banish me from your golden, sparkly, ding ding ding shores. For today I am not worthy of your greatness. I am spitting in the face of fun. Please forgive me Vegas for I know not what I do.

I mean, I do know what I do, but it’s out of my control. Please understand me when I say I have no say in the matter. I knew when we signed up for this little stint to Vegas that it wasn’t going to be a “VEGAS” Vegas trip. That it would be like going to Victorville, or La Jolla or Bakersfield or any other hot dry place…and I just had to pretend that there wasn’t the FUNNEST PLACE ON EARTH located within the dry place.

I’m in a fucking LA QUINTA on Paradise Rd. nowhere near the fucking strip. My hotel room looks out on some ghetto neighborhood where I can’t find one house that doesn’t have graffiti on it.

I feel like Anti without a sign job.

A fucking La Quinta…..in Vegas.

What the hell?

I am blocking out of my mind the fact that there are casinos, strip clubs, cleavaged, mini-skirted waitresses waiting to serve me a free gin and tonic, and $5 buffet lines just 6 minutes from where I sit in a fucking La Quinta..cuz it’s just easier that way.

Hanging my head in shame….

What’s that?

What did you say Vegas? My penance? Yes! Please just tell me what I need to do to be forgiven!

My next trip? Yes…yes…what?! I’ll do anything…

Piss away $1,000 cash? Okay.

How many lap dances?

Okay.

Drink until dawn?

I can do that.

A total of 4.5 hours of sleep over 3 days?

No problem.

Make friends with drunken strangers?

Sure.

Embarrass myself in any method of my choosing in any lounge act of my choosing?

Okay.

I can do this.

I’ve done it before.

Thank you Vegas. I won’t let you down. You know me…I’ll be back….in full effect…

You can count on me.

Thanks for the second chance.

You’re the best. I love you.

p.s. Do I get any points back for having anal sex in my hotel room?

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