May 03, 2004 - 6:29 PM

remember back to when you were a kid and the first time you ever saw ugliness in an adult.

like how maybe you really loved mr. and mrs. neighbor people and they were always so nice and the man gave you high fives and the lady smiled and tousled your hair, but maybe then one time your ball went in their backyard by mistake and then you went to get it and heard the man one screaming at the lady one and maybe he even hit the lady one and she screamed and cried some more and you went blank and walked away leaving your ball. and all you wanted to do was pretend it never happened because you could never look at them the same way again. and your world seemed smeared a little from before.

and illusions were shattered. or maybe they were actually beleifs at that point.

so there was a soccer game this weekend and it was not quite, but almost ugly.

and at the end of it the two teams, coaches included, walk past each other on the field and give high fives.

good game

good game

good game

and we make a tunnel for the kids to run through.

after the hand slapping good game good game the 8 yr old boys come running through the tunnel of parents' upstretched arms.

except my son.

who was walking backwards from the middle of the field. all slowlike and kicking his feet and looking down and so not running into the tunnel.

so slow that the tunnel was gone before he even got close.

and we had to leave fast like so we grabbed his stuff and i asked what was wrong.

because something clearly was

and he said, "That other coach said something bad to Coach Dan."

I looked at him and he mouthed "The Eff Word" and then he said You.

the further we got from the field the more his brain must've processed it, cuz he started going off on that other coach.

He's so stupid! He's so fat! I hate him! I'm glad we beat them! I hate that coach! Stupid fat coach!

By the time we got in the car he was screaming at the top of his lungs.

I HAAATE THAT COOACH! HE'S STUUPIID! HE'S SO FAAT! I HOPE HE GETS PUNCHED IN THE FACE!

but it wasn't in the mean, being stupid way...i could tell it was coming from a place much deeper.

and he didn't stop even when we got home.

and we tried to tell him what that other coach did was wrong etc., etc., but he didn't care.

and i felt bad for him.

cuz while it was the first time for him to see the ugliness, i knew it wouldn't be the last.

and all i can do is just be there to pick him back up and push him in a forward moving direction.

i can't fix shattered beliefs or newly smeared realities.

one of the pitfalls of being a mom....not being able to fix the insides.

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