2003-12-26 - 4:06 p.m.

Oh...the emergency room at christmas time....tis the season indeed.

they had a really big tree in the waiting area...with lots of red balls on it. the tv, however, not in the christmas spirit...it was fuzzy and tuned in to cops and then ancient episodes of tool time.

but i didn't pay them much mind for i feared i was dying.

it was pretty amazing that i drove my own self to the hospital considering I was having a pretty difficult time of holding my head upright. staying concious was pretty challenging as well.

through the haze i had some wits about me and decided it would be smart to get my husband on the phone should i need someone to call 911 for me should i pass out at the wheel.

he kept me talking all the way...or rather, i kept talking to him. praying each red light would turn green in a hurry. telling him each cross street and intersection i was at. asking if i was getting much closer. worried outloud that i wouldn't make it there.

i'm not one for doctors. i haven't been to one in probably 8 years. it took me 3 years before i would see a dentist and that was because i could no longer chew on the right side of my mouth. can you spell r-o-o-t c-a-n-a-l?

i'm not one for things messing up my regularly scheduled programming. I like routine and i like order. the emergency room was not in my plans for the evening. instead, it was four child free hours to wrap xmas gifts from santa and watch donnie darko again so i wouldn't be up into the wee hours on xmas eve with tape in my hair and bits of ribbon and paper scattered about.

but when i couldn't focus at work, couldn't see properly, thought i might hit the floor at any moment i thought it might be time to call it a day.

of course, being the martyr i didn't tell anyone what was truly happening inside me. i could barely finish a thought let alone a sentence. i left it at, i wasn't feeling very well and i had to go.

and i arrived at the er in one piece.

in a daze, walked up to the window and kindly told the gentleman i thought i might pass out. the nice man brought me inside and had me sit down and handed me a form to fill out.

taking the pen in hand i had to write my name. i knew i was in bad shape when the task proved difficult.

symptoms? what were my symptoms? i tried to make my brain tell my hand what to write, but only fragments came out.

dizzy

faint

can't think

can't see

can't breathe right

there were more spaces and i did my best and handed it back to him.

they took my blood pressure and my temperature before banishing me to the waiting room with the fuzzy tv and the large xmas tree.

i took a seat by myself.

my head in my hand i stared at the floor.

i was very scared.

i was by myself.

i was truly worried that i would pass out. my heart was beating thru my chest and the waves of dizziness came and went.

what was happening to me?

make it stop.

please.

and i prayed.

i figured if i passed out here, at least i was in a bldg full of doctors.

iwaitedandwaitedandwaited.

they called my name and i followed it focusing hard on each footstep as i felt other sick eyes that were waiting alongside me along my path.

i was escorted through doors that had buttons that caused their openings. past patients in gowns on gurneys and hustle and bustle and babies crying and sky blue uniforms and to a chair in a hall.

we're short on rooms sorry..they told me.

would i please take off everything from the waist up and put on this gown it ties in the back please?

you're going to go in there and provide a urine sample. there are cups and antiseptic wipes, please wipe the area clean before you urinate.

wipe the area clean?

when i got back the nice man had draped my sad chair with a sheet and i held my sweater and bra in my hand. i wore my jeans and thick black shoes under my gown.

i was still scared.

they drew my blood. lots of it. and the nurse said it had a nice color.

i was also given my first ekg.

they put sticky blue tabs all over my torso and then took out handfuls of wire worms to attach to the sticky blue tabs.

the small family to my left who were also stuck in the hall pretended not to watch as the nurse lifted up my gown to do the attaching.

i didn't care anymore. i just wanted them to fix me.

they went away and the doctor came.

he was perhaps one of the most nicest doctors i've ever met.

dr. miura.

he asked me all sorts of things and had me do some hand eye tests and i felt like i was getting a roadside sobriety test.

i was releived when he said i had passed....

he said that i was not having a mild stroke and that it wasn't neurological.

he reviewed my tests and said it was probably a bad reaction to a dose of old medication i had taken an entire day before.

but i took it yesterday morning? why today? why like this? will it stop?

he explained and reassured and i felt better.

he saw my gown was slipping from my left shoulder and reached out, gently put it back up, patted it and smiled. he shook my hand and i thanked him.

then i saw my husband and son come towards me through the sea of white and chaos and my heart lifted and at the same time magnified how alone and scared i had been feeling.

i felt better at once.

and long stories short, i felt better and better and the presents got wrapped and santa came and there was no coal and i was reminded that if you don't have your health, you don't have anything. and i was taught that it was time to slow down and i was taught what really matters in life and to appreciate it and every moment you have.

merry xmas.

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