2003-11-16 - 8:30 p.m.

I’m happy again.

Sadness, begone.

Maybe it was a chemical imbalance. (no)

I think I know what it was. (yes)

But it’s buried again. (no)

And all is well in my world. (sorta)

Black three on red four.

So, what do I do?

After telling him his dinner is ready and in the kitchen just waiting for him to gently lift and separate it and place it into an eating container…

Many times…mentioning it.

An hour goes by, things are now cold, Queer Eye For the Straight Guy is now over and the Lakers are on.

What do I do?

Like a good wife should, I take care of it for him. Put it in a bowl, heat it up, pry the top off a cold one and serve the mofo to him.

With a smile, no less.

AND I didn’t even spit in it.

But I guess, a truly good wife would’ve done all that in the first place.

Whatever.

Red seven on black eight.

I could tell you how my hairdresser is proportionate in every aspect except for her HUMONGOUS ASS!

You don’t even notice it until she turns around, then you become mesmerized.

It draws you in like some strange gravitational force.

Like a black hole…

Uh…maybe black hole isn’t the best analogy.

In any case, it’s enormous. She says the brothas and the Latinos favor it quite much.

I say, good for her.

Black ten on red Jack.

She also started talking to me about masturbation.

Hello!

Sidebar….I don’t know ‘bout you guys, but us girls who go to longtime hairdressers tend to discuss crap you wouldn’t normally discuss with persons you’ve only spend 2 hours at a time with about 4 times a year. It’s kind of like really, really, ineffective psychotherapy, but with scissors, shampoo and foil.

I wasn’t expecting her to start telling me about her vibrator or about how open her and her grandmother (not a typo) are and how her grandmother ASKED HER about masturbation and she gave her GRANNIE TIPS ON HOW TO MASTURBATE.

Nope…totally unexpected.

But, hey, I went with it. You know I’m all about polishing the pearl….

But she didn’t ask me anything about my self exploratory habits…so I guess we can tell she’s a one man show and maybe that’s why she has more time with her battery buddy than an actual man.

But I like her and she gives good hair.

Red two on black three

And three people I sorta know had babies this past week.

One couple had twins. Say it with me….

Awwww…..

Another had an ELEVEN pound baby boy yesterday.

There’s one lady with a sore vag.

And they gave him a very gay name. I’m not gonna put it down here, but let’s just say it involved the name of a brand of cowboy hat and the other part of the name has about eight letters in it and was popular in the 30’s.

Probably.

I mean, it probably wasn’t even popular back then. They probably beat up boys with that name back then.

Sad.

And the other couple had a baby boy yesterday as well.

But he’s a sexy rock star that I have a crush on and it should’ve been my baby dammit.

His penis should’ve been in MY vagina…not hers.

But it’s too late now. His chances are over. If he thinks I’m gonna raise HER child AND worship his ass, well he’s just got another thing coming.

(congrats mr. miller…)

Red Queen on black King.

And there is a huge, black el on my forehead.

It’s slowly fading, but you can still see it.

It’s all because on Saturday, I had a play date for my dog.

I know, I know….pretty sad.

And in 11 years I’ve never made…never ever made, had, thought about or engaged in ANY play dates for my own offspring.

But my dog gets one.

WTF?

But I think he had fun.

And we took him out for ice cream afterwards.

Red six on black seven

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